Go rescue a box of kittens. NOW.

Ah, the day after Halloween. The day of candy hangovers, real hangovers (for older people of course) and cleaning the wrappers out of the nooks and crannies of wherever you consumed 4 lbs. of your candy in under two minutes. You may wonder why we as Americans celebrate this holiday, or why it's celebrated the way it is? I mean really, what kind of fool creates a holiday where you run around in a costume and ask strangers for candy in the dark and cold of the night before the first day of November?

The Celts. Specifically the Irish. Halloween was originally considered to be the only night of the year where evil spirits could prowl about the world. So to protect themselves, the Irish would wear masks. You're probably trying to figure out how stumbling around in the dark asking for camdy fits into hiding from ghosts. Well, it was also a harvest festival of sorts; you would walk around your village and ask each neighbor for a small treat. If they gave you something, that meant they were prepared for the coming winter. If they didn't, that meant they weren't, and if that was the case, food would be given to the person in one of two ways; either children would deposit the food on the house's doorstep, knock on the door and run away. Or the kids would throw it through your window. In any event, the hope was that the neighbor would survive the winter.
Now, the name is an entirely different matter. "All Hallow's Eve" was an English Catholic tradition in which the members of a village would process to the church, stay there the whole night and recite the names of the departed. Hence "Hallow's" (grave) and "Eve" (night) The belief that evil spirits rode about on that night carried over, but not only because the devil wanted to scare people away from the church, cause let's face it. If it's Irish, the English want it.
Now that you know why Halloween is the way that it is, I'm going to tell you 5 things that annoy me that people do on (or near) Halloween.

1. Handing out things other than candy

Ok, it's Halloween, and kids expect candy. I have no idea what you're thinking giving 3-18 year olds who are on suger highs, fruit, popcorn, pencils, and (not kidding) toothbrushes. (Do you want quilted, or non when I come back later?) Save the political statements for your next protest. This is about the kids, not your desire to push your healthy propaganda. The kids aren't gonna eat the apples or use the toothbrushes. If anything, they'll throw them at your house. Hippies.

2. People who go out on "Devil's night"

Ok, so for those of you who don't know, Oct. 30th is called "Devil's night", because this would be the night when bands of kids run around and play pranks on people. Personally, I find this to be one of the most base practices in existence. Tee peeing innocent people's houses is wrong. Setting vacant homes on fire is a felony. At least wait until Halloween to egg the toothbrush house. Then I might not want to hit you with my car to keep you from breeding. Just stay home and cyber bully some random person's blog and compensate for your lack of masculinity that way. Seriously. Prove to me that you're actually worthy of being called a man.

3. Hipsters

No list that's listing things you dislike can be complete without hipsters.

4. People who take half the candy from the "just take one piece" bowls

Ok, this person is being kind enough to offer you candy, even though they're not even home. This person is personally trusting you, someone they'll probably never see, hear, or even know of their existence again. And you break that trust. Plus, you're shortchanging every person after you, they want candy just as much as you do, but they take one piece. Go rescue a box of kittens from a burning building and redeem yourself. Go. Now.

5. Having a dentist appointment the day after Halloween

I don't really care much about this, but this happens to me every single year. I just wait till I get home from the dentist to eat all my candy. (which will be in about an hour I hope)

That completes my list of things I hate about what people to on or near Halloween. This is meant to be funny, and if you're offended,

that's a "you problem".


Thanks for reading, and please leave comments. Happy All Saints day!

Stay close mon ami!

Ah, Halloween, the magical time of year when it's considered culturally acceptable to scare small children. It's also about costumes and candy, but that's to lure the small children in so you can scare them.
Back to the costumes; most kids will dress up as a superhero at one point in their lives, typically Spiderman, Superman, Batman, Ironman, or Wolverine. Even though most of those heroes are pretty cool, they've been overused. So instead, I'm going to create a costume guide for one of my favorite X-Men, Gambit. For me as a little kid, it didn't get more awesome than watching a guy throw exploding playing cards. I mean, just think of how much fun playing poker would be!

Anyway, the costume is easy; get a skintight, shiny black leotard, a trenchcoat, and a staff that retracts. Oh, and be adept at throwing playing cards. Which I will teach you how to do. (see picture at bottom for a visual)

1. Pick up card.
2. Hold card so the longest side is parallel to your arm.
3. Place middle finger under card, in the center.
4. Thumb over where middle finger would be located.
5. Place index finger on farthest corner.
6. Snap your wrist to launch it.

If you find the card thudding into the ground, or going the opposite direction, that means you're using your arm. That's not how to do it.

This will give you accuracy and power, if done correctly. Now to make them explode.
I would say coating the cards you intend to throw in an explosive compound would work, or split a card in two, and put some on the inside and glue it back together; so I recommend using a primary explosive, as this type usually requires impact or friction of some sort to detonate. (i.e. When the card hits the target) I recommend nitroglycerin, as it is legal and commercially available. It is quite dangerous, so if you saw that Zorro two movie like I did, (may your therapy heal you) take what the nitroglycerin did in that, subtract Hollywood, add the real world and you have a pretty powerful explosive.

For more info on nitroglycerin, see the Wikipedia page:

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nitroglycerin

Nitroglycerin is not the most stable of materials, so you probably shouldn't shuffle the cards you've coated in it all that much, and you should probably not practice throwing the treated cards, stick with the non-treated, as they're less likely to, you know, blow a hole in your wall. Now, Gambit didn't use cards exclusively, as in several instances, he charged locks with kinetic energy, which promptly blew up, once spat a wad of gum that had been charged, he even charged his staff on numerous occasions to send the hapless recipients of the staff through walls. While chewing on Nitroglycerin gum is likely to kill you (as it would blow your head off the second you started chewing) it's not recommended to try making explosive gum. (you could always try the Misson Impossible I gum bomb though) Since the other applications probably won't work, I recommend just using cards, mainly because the only people likely to know that Gambit can do more than make poker games exciting, are people like me who have no life, and because having nitroglycerin gum is unsafe.
I probably have my own Homeland security officer monitoring my blog by now, so if you do try this, you assume all liabilities. Ok Mr. Government agent, I'm telling them not to do this. Just go to sleep, the next post will only be about how to set up your own nuclear reactor, PERFECTLY normal, law abiding citizen activity.
Anyway, happy Halloween readers, stay safe, have fun, and don't forget to follow my blog and leave comments.